This is me in September 2010, 6 months pregnant with Dexter and beyond excited about what was to come
I had no fear and no worry about any aspect of pregnancy, birth or becoming a mum…it was all I’d ever wanted and I was so excited to meet my little boy
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Little did I know that, despite my positivity, my trust, educating myself and preparing for a beautiful, calm birth…it would end in trauma
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My birth experience was mismanaged (for which I received an apology for later when I complained)
My rights to make my own decisions about how and where to Birth were ignored…my choices taken away
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I hadn’t for one minute thought that a consultant would tell me I couldn’t do something when it was my choice, so I just did as I was told
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The result was trauma…for me and Dexter
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A full episiotomy, forceps, both of us terrified of losing the other
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My first Mother’s Day was beautiful and so sad all that the same time ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I felt so guilty…
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Guilty for how he arrived…
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Guilty for feeling traumatised when he was here and so many women were struggling with not being mums on Mother’s Day…
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Guilty for not being able to shake the intrusive thoughts…
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Guilty for my anxiety and hyper vigilance…
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Guilty for not being the person anymore that my husband fell in love with…
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Guilty for not allowing friends and family to hold him (when I felt he was only safe with me)…
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Guilty because I felt like I should have protected him, and I got it wrong, and now it felt like I was getting everything wrong…
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I wish I could go back and tell 35 year old me that it wasn’t my fault, and that I would feel free from all of the guilt and the trauma
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I wish she could know that we would heal that experience, and that I would fully understand and help Dexter release the trauma too
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I wish she could know just how huge a difference going through that experience would make, as I used it to understand and help so many other mums and children heal
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Maybe I knew it all deep down 💕
If this sounds familiar, know that you can be free from this…and your Little One can too.
Message me to book a free call to see how we can work together 💕
